I quit my job, and in other news...

So I'm quitting my job.  It is necessary, but it is scary.  And when I saw the job listing in print today, I was sad.  Really sad.  It really makes it seem real.  Really real.  I wasn't ready for that.  I know I'm doing the right thing, but it is hard.  This job has been a HUGE part of my life for a long time.  Almost 6 years.  To other people that may not seem like a long time, but I think it is.  I've seen lots of people come and go.  I have loved my time here.  I've made so many friends through this place.  I'm not worried about losing those friends, but it will be a bummer not seeing them everyday.  I sort of feel like these people are my family.  Even those people who annoy you.  Cause family is like that too!  :)

I'm scared starting a new job.  I don't know these new people.  Will they like me?  Will I like them?  Are they fun?  Are they funny?  Am I going to hate it?  Is it going to be boring?  Are we going to go broke?  I'm working less hours and making less money, but the drive isn't far.  I'll be home more evenings, and I'll have more time to work on other projects.  Jarot and I want to run our own business.  We have all of our screenprinting stuff, and we want to finally be able to sit down and make it work.  I want to find somebody to illustrate the kids' books I've written.  Or maybe I just need to sit down and work on my drawings to make them how I imagined.  I'm pretty picky when it comes to book illustrations.

All these emotions just hit me today.  And I'm glad nobody walked into my office at work just after I got to work today.  I was sitting at my desk crying, and I'm not a crier. 

All the applications are rolling in, I'm sure.  :(  I just don't want can't imagine anybody else doing my job, but obviously it needs to be done and I'm not going to be doing it. 

Just putting that out there in the blogosphere.

On a happier note, we should be moving into the new house this weekend.  Jarot and his dad are finishing up the floor in the new house as I type.  At least I hope that is what they are doing.  It is what they are supposed to be doing.  Then all that remains is hanging the interior doors and adding the deck railings and posts.  I think that is it, aside from me trying to salvage the ugly bathroom vanity and spray painting fan blades.  This has been a busy 7 weeks.  We have done all the renovations ourselves on our other house, but never all at once like this.  I don't want to see another paint brush for a few years, so I hope we love the colors we selected for a long, long time.  Photos still to come, but that will be another day.

Random stuff from our lives

I'm sure every mother asks herself this question at some point. It seems like more and more I'm asking this every day. My kids are awesome! Really awesome! They are great little people.  But how do other moms do this?  Regularly, I feel like I'm losing my mind.  People constantly tell me "I don't know how you do it."  I'm not doing anything special, and frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together.  I just keep trucking along.  I'm so afraid I'm going to screw my kids up.  Is that an irrational fear?  Does every other mother feel that same way?  Am I just rambling now?

So since I've last updated this blog (aside from adding a few things like the bucket list), we've added a new addition.  Lila Charlotte joined our family on Friday, February 17th, and she is just about the cutest little thing ever.

Having four kids is really hard.  Somebody always needs something.  Sometime I want to go to my room and just sit and do nothing and just enjoy the silence.  Ha!  That isn't going to happen.  This blog post has been sitting in draft mode for a long, long time waiting for me to finish what I'd like to say.  I've actually taken a lot out.  I was experiencing some depression, and you know what?  That's hard for me to say.  Why is that so hard?  It's like a dirty little secret that I'm ashamed to admit.  Isn't that awful?!?  This time I knew what the problem was because I have experienced it before, so I knew what to do.  Thankfully the times I've experienced depression it was caused by medicine I was taking.  This time is was from the IUD I had implanted.  I had hoped that it wouldn't effect me the way other hormone birth control pills do, but it was.  I'm done with that stuff.  Never again will I add synthetic hormones to my body.  My body just doesn't cope well with them.  I don't know if other people have experienced this, but I figured I'd share my experience just in case it will help somebody else.

I'm getting used to life with four kids.  Most days are exhausting, and I'm ready to fall into bed.  Some days are really challenging.  Some days I'd like to send one or two or four kids off to their grandparents, but I don't.  Thankfully though I do have awesome in-laws who take the older three kids on a regular basis for a weekend away.  That time is so nice because I get to share it with my favorite person and the cutest baby on the planet.  I won't lie though.  It will be nice once she is sleeping through the night and she can go for an overnight stay at the grandparents' place.  :) 

We are in the process of renovating a house, and we should be moving next week.  You know what that means?  No more homeschooling!!!  I'm so excited about that.  As much as I'd like to be, I'm just not one of those moms who can handle it.  I couldn't do it!  We homeschooled Hana for two years, and I'm so thrilled to put her back in public school.  Jonah is in kindergarten, and Hana is in third grade.  School started on Wednesday, and they love it.  What I don't love is having to drive them 25 minutes to school in the morning, but we will only have a few more days of that before we can move all of our stuff into the new place.  I'm so excited.  I have a bunch of before and after photos to show the progress we have made on the house and those should be up soon.

On another note, I'm planning to start blogging more.  Maybe I shouldn't even say "more" because that implies I do it at all.  So I'll just start saying that I'm going to blog.  I'm hoping for once a week or more.  I want to use it as an outlet for several things.  1. Sharing our home renovation photos. 2. I'd like to start journaling about my weight loss.  I say that like it is happening now.  It isn't, but it needs to be.  And I think blogging about it will keep my motivated and accountable.  If you don't see any posts about it, drop me a line and give me a hard time about it. 3. Adventures and the hilarious things my little people say. 4. Working toward living a better story. 

I think that is it for now.  Talk to you again soon!

How We're Doing.

As summer winds to a close, we took a look at our summer bucket list.  We don't have as many items crossed off our list as we planned to.  We have an excuse; I promise.  We have been renovating a house.  It has taken a lot longer than planned.  We were originally thinking the house would close at the beginning of June, and we would have the work done and move in by early July.  Unfortunately, the house didn't close until the beginning of July.  Today will, hopefully, be the last day we are working on it.  And the next step is moving in.  Below is our summer bucket list.  You can see the items we have checked off, and I'll be adding the photos from our adventures to the blog soon.  I'm trying to get on a regular schedule of posting stuff here.  I'd like this to be a digital scrapbook of all our trials, tribulations, and adventures. 

Here is our 2012 summer bucket list:

Build a sandcastle - in our new backyard, sort of counts, sort of doesn't.  It ain't the beach, for sure!

Do a geocache

Go to the beach

Slip and slide

Shaving cream slip and slide

Go to a movie

Flashlight tag

House warming BBQ

Backyard camping

Camping with friends

Build fire pit

Ice cream from ice cream truck

Learn to swim

Breakfast for dinner

Find the best chocolate chip cookie recipe

Coffee can homemade ice cream

Eat a whole meal of foods we've never tried

Build a garden

Make some new friends

Go screen free for a whole week

Berry picking

Get sno-cones

Make banana splits

Make your own pizza night

Go to the farmer's market

Go out to dinner to a sit down place as a family

Explore the creek

Catch some tadpoles, toads, frogs

Go seining

Make popsicles

Play mini golf

Play a family football game

Family game night

Buffet night

Go to a drive-in

Go hiking

Summer reading program at the library - Hana did this!  We joined the one in our new town with 2 days left to go.  We didn't get the boys done, but Hana read all hers by herself because she really wanted to earn the rewards.

Lazy day

Build a kids picnic table

Build a new dining room table and benches with help from everybody

Save for a trampoline

Check out the awesome people I'm privileged to call friends behind the Summer Bucket List Challenge!

Our Summer Bucket List

Our good friends Josh and Jenny Solar of The Happy Family Movement are back for the second year of The Summer Bucket List. This is also our second time around doing the challenge. Last summer, we didn't accomplish as much as we wanted to. BUT our goal this year is to cross off as many items as we can. And we are off to a good start. We've already crossed two items off our list. I'll be blogging the photos and sharing a bit about our adventures.

Here is our 2012 summer bucket list:

Build a sandcastle

Do a geocache

Go to the beach

Slip and slide

Shaving cream slip and slide

Go to a movie

Flashlight tag

House warming BBQ

Backyard camping

Camping with friends

Build fire pit

Ice cream from ice cream truck

Learn to swim

Breakfast for dinner

Find the best chocolate chip cookie recipe

Coffee can homemade ice cream

Eat a whole meal of foods we've never tried

Build a garden

Make some new friends

Go screen free for a whole week

Berry picking

Get sno-cones

Make banana splits

Make your own pizza night

Go to the farmer's market

Go out to dinner to a sit down place as a family

Explore the creek

Catch some tadpoles, toads, frogs

Go seining

Make popsicles

Play mini golf

Play a family football game

Family game night

Buffet night

Go to a drive-in

Go hiking

Summer reading program at the library

Lazy day

Build a kids picnic table

Build a new dining room table and benches with help from everybody

Save for a trampoline

IHF - Pets and The Paper Mama - Furry Friend Challenge

I couldn't pass up the challege this week from i heart faces or The Paper Mama! The photo category on i heart faces this week is "Pets" and The Paper Mama is "Furry Friend" and we have a lot of those. And I work with a lot of those. I work at Kansas City's largest No-Kill Shelter. I love my work.

Meet Ellie aka Ellie Bean! She is our 92 pound, purebred Newfoundland who was rescued from a puppy mill with 1200 other dogs. That is what happens when you live smack dab in the middle of the US. Sadly, Kansas and Missouri are the leaders in the puppy mill industry! Thanks to some heartless people, we are the puppy mill capital of the US. Not really something I'd like us to be known for. Thankfully Missouri passed a Puppy Mill Cruelty Act, but sadly some of the original bill has been changed. For the most part, it will still help the thousands of dogs suffering across Missouri. It's a start. I'll climb down from my soap box now.

Ellie is about the sweetest dog you'll meet. At 3 years old, she sometimes walks with a limp due to her bad environment before she was rescued and no doubt, bad breeding. Even though Newfoundlands were originally bred for water rescue and typically love the water, our Newfie won't go near the pool for a swim. We love her anyway! :) She has the softest fur and a giant neck to wrap your arms around.

Photo Challenge: Friendship

Week after week, I get the i heart faces photo challenge in my inbox. Usually I think, "maybe next time," but this time I decided to go for it.

So here is my friendship submission. This is Hana and her best friend, Waffle, then foster kitty - now forever kitty.

Let's Get This Party Started

I thought this was cute! He is saying, "Let's get this party started!"

I Need to Lose Weight

And I have for a while. My friend, Courtney, is having a contest over on her review blog to win a SlimFast gift pack. (On another note, my husband always teases me about "using the word friend fast and loose" when I refer to my blog friends! Whatever, he is silly!)

I'd love to win, but I know you might too! No matter what happens, I do need to suck it up and finally lose weight. We'd love to add another baby to our family, but in order to do that, I need to lose weight. I'm not sure how it would feel to actually look pregnant and not just fat. You know those cute pregnant woman? I'm not one of them, and I never have been. But that is the goal.

My Top 5 Photos from January - March

I found this blog recently, which I love, and through that one, I found this one, and this one. And I found this cool contest. Here is the actual blog post to add your link to. And I'm always up for winning stuff, and what a fun way to show off my adorable kids, right? Right! :)

One of the first nicer spring days. It doesn't look particularly nice out, but we were out in short sleeves. A much needed warm day after lots of snow. I love Hana's expression while she swings!


This wasn't much of a snowball fight since the snow wouldn't pack. And it was too deep for good sledding. Jonah made the best of it by throwing snow at me!


I love this one of Hana and Jonah. They are best friends when they aren't trying to kill eachother. Anybody else know the feeling?


I love, love, love this one of my hubby snuggling Lucas! He looks completely content while he hugs our little guy!


This is Lucas. We call him The Evil Genius. Doesn't he just look ornery and completely adorable?


I'm linking up to post my quarterly top 5 photos. It was hard to narrow it down to five because I have had lots to choose from lately and a love a bunch. I thought this was a fun way to show off my photography, it is most definitely a work in progress, and to help me improve. Join me!

Come and play along with me...

So I'm joining this contest, and I've never done anything like this. I figured if nothing else, I'll get some blog exposure which will hopefully motivate me to keep it up. AND in addition, I can practice some photography! So if you feel like linking up, do it! :) Fun!!!!

Cool Couponing Site and a Giveaway

I really admire my friend, Racquel, who like me also has three young kids, who are actually eerily spaced apart almost exactly like mine! She and her husband are super great about making a budget, meal plan, and actually sticking to it. I have a long way to go to get to that point. I'm pretty good at making it, but we aren't always great about sticking to it. Anyway, Racquel is also amazing with coupons!!! I've recently been really studying up on coupons and how to make our money go as far as possible. Racquel linked to her friend's blog to share her system. Her friend, Lauren is the one she said taught her everything she knows. Racquel saves A LOT of money on groceries, and I want to also!!! Sooooo I'm blogging about this giveaway, and I'm really hoping I win a super duper coupon organizer!

See how cool it is?


Check out Racquel's blog and Lauren's blog for really awesome tips and couponing goodness.

Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder what on earth goes on at my house while I'm at work. Any thoughts?!? See the evidence below...

Praying the house sells soon!

I'm joining the Crazy Love challenge. So here is what I need prayers for, and I'll be praying for you all as well!

We're selling our house. Rather, we are trying to sell our house. I'm hoping and praying it sells quickly. Frankly, I don't feel safe in our neighborhood anymore. It has gone downhill in the past couple years. Recently the high school less than 1/2 block away had two incidents of guns showing up at school. Granted my kids aren't old enough to be in high school, it still worries me tremendously. The kids never get to play in the front yard. The are stuck riding their bikes and tricycles on the back patio which isn't very large at all.

So pray for us that the house sells quickly, and we can move closer to the in-laws. They are going to watch the kids for us while Jarot goes to school and I work. The other thing I'm excited for is to bring more kids home! Once we get settled in, we are going to work towards becoming foster parents and adoptive parents (one day) too! The quicker we get settled in, the quicker that can become a reality.

Where is God? From Storing Up Treasures

Recently I read this blog post and it really spoke up to me.

I wanted to share this post from Storing Up Treasures, one of my favorite blogs. Courtney, the woman who writes it, is such an inspiration to me. She is a mom to 10 kids, some biological, some adopted. I'm not sure how she does it all, but you can tell the immense love she has for her children. I know I'd like her in real life because I already like her in blogdom! :)

I'm adding this book to my amazon wishlist, but I'm kind of hoping I win the contest so I don't have to buy it. So I'm entering the contest! The book seems to cover a lot of stuff I've been thinking about lately. I'm trying to grow in my spirituality! Trying to hear God speak!

If you have a chance, read some of Courtney's other posts. She is a cool lady!

What am I doing with my life?

I've asked myself this question a million times. Almost everyday, I think! I'm raising three wonderful, beautiful kids, and I'm so blessed with them. And I'm married to an amazing man. I mean, AMAZING! If I could have hand picked the qualities I wanted in a husband and a father for my kids, I would have created Jarot! He literally gives me goose bumps when I watch him with our kids. He is incredible!

But sometimes I wonder what is in store for me. What am I supposed to be doing? I feel like I'm good at lots of little things, but I'm not great at anything. Hmmm...I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. It is bad when you are 28, and you haven't figured out what you want to be when you grow up! :) I don't feel like a grown up yet. That seems weird because I have three kids. I always assume people I know through work and stuff are older than me. But more and more, I realize I'm older! Bleh! They have direction in life. I don't have direction. I love playing all day. Playing with my kids. Reading books. Reading books to them.

I've decided that I'm going back to school. I've wanted to for a long time. We are doing it now. We are selling our house. We are moving where the in-laws live. They said they'd watch the kids while Jarot goes to school and I work. Topeka isn't my first choices of places to live, but family is there. We haven't had any lookers at our house. No interest at all! Bit of a bummer. I'm not worrying about it yet, but it is a little disappointing. We've put a lot of work into this house. It is cute, and it is all done for somebody who wants to move in without having to put any work into it! And I'm going to school once it sells, well, once it sells, we move, and Jarot finishes school. So it will be a few years, but we will be moving forward. I'd like to major in social work, but sometimes I worry. I want to work in the adoption field. I don't think I could do another line of social work. I couldn't be one of those social workers who investigate abuse or neglect. I think it would be too much for me; I think I'd bring that home with me. Sometimes I think I'll major in graphic design or photography. I have interest in all of those things. Sometimes I think I'll do that and just adopt.

Adoption...hmmm! That's really been on my mind lately. Like, really, really! I've been driving Jarot mad I think! I'm obsessed with the idea. I'm not sure how or when it all started, but it did. I've always known that I wanted to adopt. Once we move and get settled, Jarot said we can sit down and have a serious talk about it. I think people think we are crazy, but there are something like 167 million orphans in this world. That is INSANITY! It blows my mind. Don't tell Jarot, but I can picture us as one of those nutty, loud, crazy families with 7 or 8 children. But don't tell him I said that!

This blog post is all over the place, but that is how I've kinda been lately. How I always am I guess! :) That is just what has been on my mind. If you read this far, thanks for sticking with me. Night!

Blog nicknames for the kids

So I'm come up with my kids' blog nicknames. I love the blogs I read when the moms have nicknames they use instead of real names for their kids. Sometimes they are based on their real names, other times, not!

So from now on, Hana will be referred to as the "Mob Boss." Because if you can refer to my kids as anything, they are definitely a mob. They have that mob mentality when it comes to driving Mommy crazy. "Mob mentality deals with the spread of emotion, good or bad," and I think the bad spreads faster and more effectively than anything else! So Miss Hana is most definitely the Mob Boss. She is the one that comes up with the most effective strategy on making the most noise, causing the most trouble, and wreaking the most havoc! She is very good at what she does. And she is most certainly the most convincing big sister I've ever seen. I'm willing to bet you've never seen a little girl that can take a situation that is not going her way and turn it around in no time flat. Not when it comes to school though because she is super quiet at school. But when it comes to her brothers, she is the boss!

Jonah and Lucas are "Hired Gun #1" and "Hired Gun #2" respectively. That pretty much sums it up. They are there to do Hana's bidding, and that's it. Okay, not really, but if you asked Hana, that is what she'd say. She puts the naughty ideas in their heads, and they carry out the dirty work. Pretty good use of little brothers, don't you think?

Quit Faking It!

So I found this on my new favorite blog, http://www.storinguptreasures.com/, and I wanted to come clean and quit faking it.

So here are my confessions about how I've been faking it...

1. My kids drive me crazy. I love them, but I sometimes feel like I'm literally losing my mind. I have three kids, and I want more. I would love to have lots more, but some days I wonder what the heck I'm thinking. I have a hard time managing three more why would I add more chaos? I want to adopt. I know I'm going to adopt, and more and more it is on my heart. But I really have a hard time thinking about it coming to fruition when it seems like I can't take my kids anywhere in public because I end up wanting to pull my hair out. I love them all the time, but I don't like them all the time. I know, I know, that sounds horrible, but I'm trying to be honest here, okay? They can really be annoying sometimes, with the whining and the crying. I get frustrated. Sometimes when they don't listen, I just flat out don't like them at that point. Is this just me, or does anybody else feel this way. For a long time, I've felt guilty about that, but it isn't just me. I just wish sometimes we were more honest about things. Honest about being a mom. It is hard some days. It is hard a lot of days. And some days I want to call in sick. But that is the thing, I can't! Some days, I phone it in. I know that sounds awful, but those days we watch too much TV and stay in our pajamas all day. And saying this feels liberating, it is nice. When I have trying days, nap time can't come soon enough and neither can bedtime. But it seems that no matter what kind of day I've had, when I check on the kids after they fall asleep, they look like little angels, and I do appreciate how truly blessed I am. Truly!

2. I've been faking like everything is okay. I have been suffering from depression for a while now, and it got bad enough that I went to see the doctor about it. It is like my dirty little secret that I never tell anybody about. My husband knows, that is it. I can't tell anybody else because I feel like they will judge me. I wouldn't judge anybody for something like that, but it is hard for me to believe that I won't be judged for it. I'm posting this as a sort of coming out. And recently, I've stopped taking my medication. I HATE how it makes me feel. I always feel exhausted, and I look it too. I couldn't make it through the day without needing a nap! I felt like I was going to fall asleep while I was driving. I just couldn't do it anymore. I literally felt like I was neglecting my kids and putting them in danger while taking the medicine. So I've been praying, and praying. I need something else, Someone, to help me overcome this, which leads me to my next confession.

3. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I believe in God. I believe in a higher power. I have no doubt in my mind that God exists. But I pray, and I don't hear anything back. Am I not listening? What am I doing wrong? I need some direction. I'll often have a lucky break, and I know that it is God smiling down on me. Recently, when we were really short of money to pay our bills, the library called. They were sending me a refund check for $80! They had previously charged us money for books that they said we had lost. Knowing that I'm a bit scatterbrained, I didn't think anything of it, and I paid the fines. The library found the books on the shelves several (5+) months later. I had returned them, and they would be issuing me a check refunding us the money. It couldn't have come at a better time. But otherwise, I don't know what I'm missing, what I'm doing wrong...

4. I'm scared of dying. Really scared! It seems silly, but here is why. As I mentioned before, I am a Christian, I believe in God, I recently started reading my bible, but I'm still scared. Here's why. I believe that before we are born we are souls waiting in heaven to be born into our families. And if that is the case, why don't I remember it? The thing that really scares me about dying is that I wonder if I'll remember my family, my friends, or my time on earth. That is what bothers me. If I don't remember being there before, will I be able to remember being here. It isn't something I can stop from happening if I wanted to, so it probably isn't worth the time worrying about it anyway. Is that weird?

5. I'm not as nice as I used to me. I've worked at my job for over three years, and I really enjoy it. Unfortunately, at my job, I've seen a lot of bad things. It has made me think less of people. It makes me wonder if there are still good people out there. I know there are, don't get me wrong, but I wonder where they are sometimes. I think I've fallen short because I let that get to me too much. I've judged people for their actions, and sometimes, I don't like who I've become. I want so badly to believe that people are inherently good, but sometimes it is hard.

6. I'm messy and disorganized. And I can't keep up with cleaning my house. You'd probably be shocked and grossed out by my house on most days. Toys are spread everywhere, laundry is in piles, and paperwork is taking over our office. I hate laundry. I don't mind doing laundry, but I HATE folding it. That is probably why we always have piles of laundry waiting to be folded. It is such a pain in the butt. Can somebody come over and fold my clothes for me? I only have three kids, but the laundry is never ending.

7. I like junk food. I shouldn't, but it tastes so good. I need to lose weight. A lot of weight, around 80 pounds would be good. I have trouble getting motivated, and I most definitely have trouble finding time to do anything about it. I need to. For my sake, for my kids' sakes. I'll start tomorrow. That is something I keep telling myself. I need to keep that promise!

I think that is it for now. Do you have anything you need to get off your chest?

Things my kids say...

My kids are super funny. I love them. They are creative, inspiring, loving, affectionate, and they are so funny. They make me laugh a loud belly laugh several times daily.

Here are just a few funny things I've heard them say recently:
Jonah: "The interstate means you can eat as many cookies as you want!" Not sure about that one. Don't ask, I don't know.

A few weeks ago, as Jarot was bringing Jonah out of the funeral home after his (Jarot's) grandpa's funeral, Jonah turned to Jarot and said, "That was fun!!!" LOL!

Hana and I were talking about wishes. She told me that her teacher told her, "That you don't need to wish. You need to make a decision, and then you do it." I gues that isn't really that funny, but it was neat to see her talking so grown up sounding. I can't believe my baby is going to be 6 at the end of the month. :(

Dropped the ball

Sorry, I sort of dropped the ball on my 365 day photo project, so I have to get back into it. My computer was having issues, and then I was having issues. And it just didn't happen! :( That is what is great about the project because I can start over whenever I want. So I think I will. Tomorrow...I'll have to hold myself to that!

Ollie

Photo taken: 2/7/10

This handsome boy is Ollie. He is one of those puppies that you just have to bring home over the days Wayside is closed. Okay, so you don't have to; it's just me, but in my defense, he was crying and crying. Well, as you can see, he never left once he got here. That makes us 3 time foster flunkies! Oops!