Quit Faking It!

So I found this on my new favorite blog, http://www.storinguptreasures.com/, and I wanted to come clean and quit faking it.

So here are my confessions about how I've been faking it...

1. My kids drive me crazy. I love them, but I sometimes feel like I'm literally losing my mind. I have three kids, and I want more. I would love to have lots more, but some days I wonder what the heck I'm thinking. I have a hard time managing three more why would I add more chaos? I want to adopt. I know I'm going to adopt, and more and more it is on my heart. But I really have a hard time thinking about it coming to fruition when it seems like I can't take my kids anywhere in public because I end up wanting to pull my hair out. I love them all the time, but I don't like them all the time. I know, I know, that sounds horrible, but I'm trying to be honest here, okay? They can really be annoying sometimes, with the whining and the crying. I get frustrated. Sometimes when they don't listen, I just flat out don't like them at that point. Is this just me, or does anybody else feel this way. For a long time, I've felt guilty about that, but it isn't just me. I just wish sometimes we were more honest about things. Honest about being a mom. It is hard some days. It is hard a lot of days. And some days I want to call in sick. But that is the thing, I can't! Some days, I phone it in. I know that sounds awful, but those days we watch too much TV and stay in our pajamas all day. And saying this feels liberating, it is nice. When I have trying days, nap time can't come soon enough and neither can bedtime. But it seems that no matter what kind of day I've had, when I check on the kids after they fall asleep, they look like little angels, and I do appreciate how truly blessed I am. Truly!

2. I've been faking like everything is okay. I have been suffering from depression for a while now, and it got bad enough that I went to see the doctor about it. It is like my dirty little secret that I never tell anybody about. My husband knows, that is it. I can't tell anybody else because I feel like they will judge me. I wouldn't judge anybody for something like that, but it is hard for me to believe that I won't be judged for it. I'm posting this as a sort of coming out. And recently, I've stopped taking my medication. I HATE how it makes me feel. I always feel exhausted, and I look it too. I couldn't make it through the day without needing a nap! I felt like I was going to fall asleep while I was driving. I just couldn't do it anymore. I literally felt like I was neglecting my kids and putting them in danger while taking the medicine. So I've been praying, and praying. I need something else, Someone, to help me overcome this, which leads me to my next confession.

3. I don't know how to pray. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I believe in God. I believe in a higher power. I have no doubt in my mind that God exists. But I pray, and I don't hear anything back. Am I not listening? What am I doing wrong? I need some direction. I'll often have a lucky break, and I know that it is God smiling down on me. Recently, when we were really short of money to pay our bills, the library called. They were sending me a refund check for $80! They had previously charged us money for books that they said we had lost. Knowing that I'm a bit scatterbrained, I didn't think anything of it, and I paid the fines. The library found the books on the shelves several (5+) months later. I had returned them, and they would be issuing me a check refunding us the money. It couldn't have come at a better time. But otherwise, I don't know what I'm missing, what I'm doing wrong...

4. I'm scared of dying. Really scared! It seems silly, but here is why. As I mentioned before, I am a Christian, I believe in God, I recently started reading my bible, but I'm still scared. Here's why. I believe that before we are born we are souls waiting in heaven to be born into our families. And if that is the case, why don't I remember it? The thing that really scares me about dying is that I wonder if I'll remember my family, my friends, or my time on earth. That is what bothers me. If I don't remember being there before, will I be able to remember being here. It isn't something I can stop from happening if I wanted to, so it probably isn't worth the time worrying about it anyway. Is that weird?

5. I'm not as nice as I used to me. I've worked at my job for over three years, and I really enjoy it. Unfortunately, at my job, I've seen a lot of bad things. It has made me think less of people. It makes me wonder if there are still good people out there. I know there are, don't get me wrong, but I wonder where they are sometimes. I think I've fallen short because I let that get to me too much. I've judged people for their actions, and sometimes, I don't like who I've become. I want so badly to believe that people are inherently good, but sometimes it is hard.

6. I'm messy and disorganized. And I can't keep up with cleaning my house. You'd probably be shocked and grossed out by my house on most days. Toys are spread everywhere, laundry is in piles, and paperwork is taking over our office. I hate laundry. I don't mind doing laundry, but I HATE folding it. That is probably why we always have piles of laundry waiting to be folded. It is such a pain in the butt. Can somebody come over and fold my clothes for me? I only have three kids, but the laundry is never ending.

7. I like junk food. I shouldn't, but it tastes so good. I need to lose weight. A lot of weight, around 80 pounds would be good. I have trouble getting motivated, and I most definitely have trouble finding time to do anything about it. I need to. For my sake, for my kids' sakes. I'll start tomorrow. That is something I keep telling myself. I need to keep that promise!

I think that is it for now. Do you have anything you need to get off your chest?